A Project Manager's Deepest Thoughts

I think not, therefore I am.
I am, therefore others think for me.
Others think for me, therefore I push.
I push, therefore projects get finished earlier.
Projects get finished earlier, therefore I get a bonus.
I get a bonus, therefore I quit and go to another company before the current one finds out nothing is working as it should.

If you push the developer too much, he may have a stroke.
If the boss pushes you, the project manager, too much, you may have a stroke yourself.
If the boss has a stroke, then probably nobody pushed anybody.
The definition of success if very unclear.

Do not leave that till tomorrow which you can assign to the developer today.

Good project managers go to work. Bad project managers go to upper management.

Two deadlines a day make quality go away.

He who hath two spreadsheets, let him assign one to his colleague. 

One day my new laptop started having some problems, and I took it to service. I had only installed Word and Excel. After having a quick look at the computer, the employee asked me: "You're a project manager, aren't you?"
Of course I am, man. What else could I be? Didn't you notice I was holding a Blackberry?
As expected, I gave him a deadline for fixing my laptop. 

If I had 100 developers under me, I would be the ultimate project manager. The boss would come and say" I want a CRM application until the end of the week" and I would respond with self-confidence: "No problem, I've got 100 developers".
Of course, if a couple of them got sick that would delay us for an hour or two, but that's how these things work.

It's good to be a project manager. I especially like the "manager" part. I haven't yet figured out what "project" stands for. 

One of the perks of being a project manager is that nobody wants to know what you're doing when you're looking intensively at an Excel file. Not even your boss.

I strongly believe that the Chaos Theory is not just theory.

I have two projects on one hand and three project on the other. What do I have? A five-fold annual bonus.

Developers annoy me when they ask for unbelievable technical details. Isn't any one of them capable to understand what we want and just make it? Yesterday, a developer asked me about the "platform" we were going to use. I told him I have never worked on the docks. How low can these people get?

Comments (3) -

8/9/2013 4:53:26 PM #

This is funny, now can you add a URL box to the comments so people can start commenting?

8/9/2013 5:32:14 PM #

You probably mean a means for people to create backlinks and a possible source of (more) spam for me? Yes, I'll do it, but I'll turn it off in case it's abused.

Gita Wilson
Gita Wilson
10/3/2013 5:07:32 PM #

Yet another great post!  Just wondering if you ever write for or contribute to any other blogs?

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Three Tons Of Code is a blog with humorous fiction stories for software developers and people who work in IT in general. It has been noticed that some project managers will not like the blog's content so you'd better not stand next to them when they start throwing things at the computer screen.

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Psst! If you are a Project Manager (what are you doing here?) just give this a try. If you are a developer, though, give this to your Project Manager to play and enjoy weeks of undisturbed work :)